I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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