I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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