One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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