just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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