I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
