I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
