No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
