Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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