It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
