today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
