I am midnight drunk by noon
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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