my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
These tits shall not be calmed
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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