he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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