you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
