between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize