Where did you get a picture of my penis
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The air was thick with penises
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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