you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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