apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
