the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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