i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize