I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
