I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
