If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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