my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
