She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
