he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I look better un-naked...
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
