Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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