she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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