Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
