Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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