you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
