I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
