I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
