Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
