So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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