My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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