you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
