So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Randomize
