My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Mom said you looked used
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
