Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
