And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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