You made me cry and you don't even care
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
