mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
