I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
