He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
my poor anus
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
