Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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