your parents love me but you hate me
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
My sheets look like a crime scene.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize