she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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