one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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