Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
