I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
