My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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