Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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