I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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