Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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