took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
