There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He did a backflip because drugs
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
