I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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