saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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