This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
