You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
