This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
