I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Vodka?
Forever.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
