Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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